They started the pitocin off very, very slow. What was weird though, is that I was already starting to have more frequent and stronger braxton hicks before they started it. This actually calmed me down about the anxiety of him coming early and my decision to let them induce. I figured if my body needed him out so bad that I was starting to contract on my own, it must have been the right thing to do. True or not (and it made much more sense then) the thought made me feel better, so I clung to it.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I expected them to start labor already, but they kept the low dose going to ripen my cervix. Frustrating. I had given birth to 4 large babies. This was #5, and going to be very small, lets get this going already!
They came and checked me every few hours. Around 4am I was 1 cm, and they broke my water. Clear, and a lot of it. They had told me they couldnt do a version earlier because my fluid was low. Bull. I woke Ray up and we talked for a little bit.
My mom showed up that morning, and Ray went to go eat. My new nurse came in at 7, and I adored her!!! She was so funny. She grabbed a chair first thing and asked me about the placenta plans. Said she had been to a hippy party in the 70's where they had grilled placenta, but she didn;'t try it and didn't think anyone did stuff like that anymore, and wanted to know the benefits. She seems very sincere and impressed. Said she had a bag with ice in it, and a tub, they would put it in one bag by itself, and place that in the bag with ice, in the tub with more ice. It would be in the room with me the entire time and would be free to leave with whoever as soon as I signed the medical release after birth.
She also told me they were talkign about me non-stop at the nurses desk. She had heard quite a lot abotu me fighting not to have the c-section, and she thought it was pretty cool to have an informed mama that day. Told me good job and she would be behind me 100%. That was good to hear. I won't ever forget her.
At around 10am I was still not hurting, only about 2 cm, and sane enough to get on facebook still. I think Tonya and Faith came by again, but not sure. I want to say Faith had appointments that day and decided not to come. I know Tonya was there later on, but not sure when she got there.
Later in the day I started to get back labor, and said hell with laying in this bed. I would get up with every contraction, and hug on Rays neck and just sway side to side. We must have done that for hours, but I really have no idea the time at this point. I knew once I got to about 4-6 cm, I would deliver almost immediately, but everyone kept saying how different this would be because he was a preemie and my body wasn't ready. I didn't care, I knew better. But alas, they came to check me again, still at 2 cm.
I must have been at 2 cm for hours. I was so tired. I would sit on the bed, with the back all the way up, and lean over and sleep inbetween contractions, and stand up and either sway or squat with Rays help during them. Over, and over and over again. I started trying to fall asleep standing up. It was Tuesday afternoon, and I hadn't slept for more than 3 or 4 hours total since Sunday morning. Nor had I eaten. I knew my body was worn out and refusing to go any further without rest. The doctors came in and were talking in the corner to eachother about things like "failure to progress" "maxed out pitocin" and things like that. I knew they were devising another cesarean attack on me, and the nurse told me I would be able to avoid it if I got the epidural. So I did. Tonya, bless her, kept me together emotionally. I didn't want the epidural. I didn't want anything to do with drugs today. But I took it.
Earlier in the day, the anesthesiologist had come in to talk to me. I told them I didn't want the epi, and when she asked why, one of the reasons I gave was that I didn't want him to have trouble breathing, and I knew they had narcotics in their epidurals there. She had tild me she would order one from pharmacy, narcotic free, just in case. I was glad now that she had done that.
It didn;'t work though. I should have listened to myself from the start. I had a horrible hot spot on my lower abdomen. And there was nothing I could do about it. I just rolled back and forth, in agony. Life was such a blur then. I know they came and tried to replace the catheter in my back to fix it, and that it didn't work. Just pain, and I was stuck and couldnt move to relieve it. More than that I was mad at myself. I knew better. I knew this was a possability. And I let myself down.
I know we called Tonya back, she had left for a while. And I tried and tried calling Faith again. Or Ray did. I wasn't in shape to do much of anything but ask for her. She didn't show up until after he was born.
I was glad to have Tonya there though, and so thankful that she had volunteered to be with me.
I became really inward around now. Now I know it was transition, but at the time... I kept telling myself it was to early. I was, afterall, only 2 cm. I started debating on if I should just get the cesarean. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was in the middle of a great internal debate. Wanting the cesarean, and trying to assess myself from a doula perspective on wether this was a rational thought, or a transition, psycho lady thought. I was to the point of grabbing the next doctor who came in and begging for it when the pain changed. So instead, I asked to be checked. I was at I think 4 cm now. I told Ray they needed to get the room ready, and things were getting intense. Shortly after, I was at 6 cm. Like, maybe 10 minutes later. They finally started listening, and started getting the room ready. I had one more contraction, and told the nurse, who I had not seen before, not sure where nure wonderful was at that time, that she needed to check me again, I needed to push. A doctor walked in then and put one glove on.
When she checked me, his head was right there, and there was a bunch of yelling to get the NICU team in there immediately, and the bed warm, etc. I was so scared. I didn't want to push, I wanted hm to stay with me. Would he cry? Would he breathe? Would I get to look at him, hold him, or would they just take of with him?
I guess some part of me realized that the doctor was litterally holding his head in with her one gloved hand waiting on everyone to set up. I finally looked at her and told her no, I am pushing, she said go ahead. One small push, and the slightest release of pressure, I asked Tonya if his head was out, and she said yes. Oh my God, he was so small. One more push and he was born. After my 10lb daughter, it took nothing pushing him out.
The most wonderful sound in the world. He cried. HE CRIED! He was okay. The bed was still intact, and he was between my legs right there on the bed. Because of how I was laying and the epidural I couldn't see him, but I reached down and touched him, afraid it was my only chance.
I finally got myself propped up with my legs still numb to take a peek at him right as they were taking him to the table. I found out later from the NICU doctors that his APGARs were 8,9.My husband stayed with him next to the warmer while they worked on him, dried him off, and wrapped him up.Then they let me hold him for just about 2 minutes. I couldn't believe how small he was. But he was okay, breathing, and opening his eyes. I started to hand him to Ray to hold him for a second, and the nurses grabbed him and walked out the door with him. Ray followed.
Jaxon Riley was born at on May 24th, 2011 at 33weeks 1 day. Weighing 5lbs 8oz, and 18 3/4 inches long.
With me not planning a hospital birth, many things on my birth plan went completely out the window. Everything that happened to this point basically. And it just got worse. I had to threaten to kick the doctor that was pulling so hard on my cord I thought my uterus was going to fall out. Then she wanted to manually inspect my uterus, and proceeded to do so by sticking her hand in there. I swear if my legs were more operable she wouldn't have dared.
Ray came back soon after. It was quiet time in the NICU and he wasn't allowed to stay but a few minutes, but could go back later in the evening. I asked when I could see him, and the nurse (new one now, mine got off at 7) told me she would wheel me down for a few minutes on the way to my postpartum room upstairs, but then I probably wouldn't be able to see him again til morning. She also reminded me I needed to start pumping as soon as I got upstairs. She brought me something to eat, finally.
And Faith showed up. I was somewhat ambivalent to her by now. She had been MIA during so many times that I had needed her the last several hours. Several times the last 6 or so hours we had asked her to come by with us, and she didn't show until it was over.
On the way up to the room, Tonya came with me to see Jaxon again. Ray took my bags and everything else up to the room, and would be back down late on.
It was so shocking to see him. He had an IV in each hand, with cotton balls taped to the inside of his hands. He had wires all over him, watching his oxygen, breathing, and heart rate. And he had the c-pap on his face to help him breathe. The nurse stayed there with me and explained what everything way, trying I guess to make it look less scary. She said the c-pap was on zero oxygen, but giving him little extra pressure so his lungs didn't have to fight so hard to stay open. 
He didn't move. He didn't open his eyes. What all had been done to my baby in the short hour I was gone from him. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifWhat else would I not be able to save him from. After just a few minutes, they said it was time to go. I had to leave him, again.
Read here about our NICU journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment