The days that followed

So now I was back in my room. I could tell they had me far away from the other mom's there, who all had their babies with them. There was at lease 2 empty rooms between me and them, and I was right next to the nurses desk. I was offended and thankful at the same time.

Ray and Faith were there waiting on me. Tonya and Faith stayed with me for some time, waiting on the release forms for the placenta. The nurse I had was horrid, I didn't even know who she was for some time, she just flat out ignored me for the most part. Finally got tired of waiting, and it was to the point, of fine, it's not that important to them, lets just sneak it out. If they remember later, I'll sign the papers. So Faith snuck it out for me.

I started asking for a pump from everyone I could possibly ask who came into my room. I kept getting told, it will be a minute, ask your nurse, just a second. My tech, who was very sweet, finally told me she would bring me the stuff, but she didnt know how to set it all up, and that way I could just corner my nurse the next time she came in. When she did show me how, she was less than hospitable.

I also asked her when I could see the baby, and she said it was up to the doctor. I would have to stay on the mag for 24 hours after birth. Another thing I did not know about the mag. I was to tired to argue at that point, and figured I would be up when the doctor came in the morning and would just argue more then.

I pumped about 10ml of colostrum, and had Ray take it to the baby. I had no idea when they would start feeding him, but wanted him to have that instead of formula.

I tried to sleep, I really did. I was up every 3 hours to pump though. I starred at the few pictures I had of him already while I pumped. I was only able to get a few drops per side after the initial 10ml I got the first time. I found I could hand express better in the end, until my milk came in.

At 5am, I was up for the day. I wanted to see my baby. I felt more and more like I didn't know who he was. I had to see him. I couldn't remember what he looked like, what he smelled like. I needed to be with him. Ray had been going up to see him every 3 hours when they did their hands on with him and to take the few drops I could pump. I had only seen him maybe a total of 10 minutes his whole life.

The doctor finally came in around 6am. Said I could definitely go see the baby, but I had to have a nurse wheel me down, I should still be on bed rest until the IV was removed. I didn't even have the energy to fight about the mag right now, they said I could go see Jaxon, and that was about all I had heard.

When my nurse came back in, I told her I wanted to go see the baby. She told me I could that evening, and not before, I was still on the IV and couldn't go down until it was gone. I think she honestly expected me to roll over and take it.

After trying to explain, nicely, that the doctor had okay-ed it, and I wanted to go down ASAP, she still wouldn't budge. I finally told her it wasn't an option I was giving her. Either she found me a way to go down, with the IV, or I would remove it myself, and she could prepare AMA discharge papers, that would be her call, but I was going to see him one way or another.

It was about 7am at this point, and I was in the process of peeling the tape off my arm to remove the IV, still arguing with the nurse from hell, when my new nurse came in. God bless shift change. She asked the other one to leave, and introduced herself. She was the charge nurse for the floor, and she would fix everything. She apologized and said if I would please give her 20 minutes to go check on her other patients, she would wheel me down personally. Finally, someone understands. Ray had just sat in the corner quietly through all of this. He knew not to get in the way of maternal instinct he later told me. I was doing fine on my own.

After all the chaos, I couldn't get there fast enough. It was quite the sight, having to drag everything down with me. But I made it. I was only able to stay for about 15 minutes, and I spent every second down there staring at his face, his fingers, touching him. Everything started to feel a bit more in place, as I realized more and more, I would recognize him anywhere. I didn't have to worry about not knowing him, no matter how long we didn't see each other.

The nurse told me that as soon as the doctor came in he would probably take him of the c-pap on put him on the cannula, which is a bit less scary looking. It was off the next time I was able to go down. Looking much better.

After that, I was able to go down 2 more times before they took the IV out at 7 that night. It wasn't out for 5 minutes and I was walking down by myself. Sometime in the middle of the day they had him on the bili lights for jaundice, but they were off again the next morning.

Ray was supposed to go home that night, he had to return to work the next day. He had just started a new job the month before, and had no paid time off yet. I had asked a few people if they wanted to come see him, and a friend of ours, Darla, had come to visit.

We went down to see Jaxon, and I had asked when I could hold him, not expecting to be able to that night, thinking they would probably tell me they had to check with the doctor the next day. Surprisingly she said I could then.

They wanted him skin to skin, and so I put on a gown backwards, with only my bra on and got to hold my baby for the first time since right after he was born. This time I got to really hold him. And touch him, and smell him. I know I cried, but I fought the whole time not to completely break down. I was secretly afraid if I went hysterical they would take him away from me. And I was also terrified I would hurt him, he was so tiny. It was scary trying to keep all the cords and wires straight. But so worth it.
I visited him every 3 hours, when the fed him. Stayed for an hour, and went back to my room to pump, which took an hour, and then had about an hour to rest, before I started the cycle again.

Ray was at work on Thursday when I got discharged. My mom had the girls and the boys were at school. I had seen the boys the night before for about 10 minutes, and they had gone to meet their brother for the first time. I hadn't seen the girls since I had been taken in the ambulance the Sunday before. They came to pick me up, and I took Kassidy to see Jaxon for the first time. She actually did really, really well. She has a heart condition, SVT, and has been in the hospital a few times, and she pointed to all the wires, telling me what they were for. She asked if she could kiss him, and I picked her up to let her. She did awesome.

My mom had one of those carts to carry my stuff on, and got me and Kayla in the car. She took Kassidy with her to drop the cart off back inside. That's when it hit me. I was leaving my baby at the hospital without me. I wouldn't be able to go to him whenever I wanted. I just started sobbing. I completely broke down, as silently as I could so as not to scare Kayla who was in the back seat. I cried and cried and cried.

We went and picked up the boys from school, and my mom dropped me off at home. I was with the kids for only a few hours, maybe 2, and my Aunt Liz came and took them all to her house for the weekend, so I could rest and spend as much time at the hospital as I could. It was so hard telling them goodbye again. I felt like my whole family was being torn apart. Kayla especially didn't understand, and I couldn't even take her to the NICU to see him, she just knew I didn't have a belly anymore, and she want at home with her mom and dad for some reason. But I had to be at the hospital. It was horrible having to pick the lesser of 2 evils. The plan was for them to come home on Monday.

As soon as they left, I was out the door again to go to the hospital. Over the next few days I was there as much as I could be, and called several times in the middle of the night when I was supposed to be resting. I pumped every 3 hours, and just as I was getting scared hey were going to have to give him formula, my milk decided to come in. My car broke down twice that weekend alone, and my husband was off Saturday and Sunday. Sunday at church my Aunt brought the kids, and I couldn't stay away from them any longer, so they came home early.After the kids were home, on Rays days off, I was at the hospital all day long. On the days he worked, I had someone watch the kids so I could go up for 3 or 4 hours, and then I went up again as soon as Ray got of work, from 7, to about 11 or midnight. I was still pumping every 3 hours.

Jaxon slowly did better. They started tube feeding him, and weaning him off the IV, slowly. After about 5 days, they let him try from a bottle. That was our biggest issue, trying to teach him out to eat from a bottle. It was frustrating, they didn't want me to nurse, but wanted him skin to skin as much as he could be. He would root around and want to nurse, but then they would want me to pump so if he latched on he wouldn't get anything. It was another fight. I finally put my foot down and said I was just going to do it and to get over it. He still had trouble nursing though, and we finally found out it was tongue tie after he was already home.

It as easier for me to look forward to the little milestones, than him going home. I asked the doctors every day, what is the next step, the next thing he has to master before we can move on, and I spent all day and the next praying he do that one thing. He usually did by the next day or the day after that. When his doctor started saying they sill weren't going to let him transition to the next step because he wasn't technically "supposed" t be doing the one yet, I prayed that God let the doctor see his progress, and not hold him back if he was ready. He had a new doctor the next day. His original had been called to work at a different hospital.

Every day he amazed me with how strong he was. I grew more and more confident with him. I wasn't nervous anymore about holding him, and could maneuver the wires and everything on my own. I held him every second I could, and didn't put him down unless someone told me they needed to do something on him. At 3 days old he was off the cannula. May 30th, no IV. June 2nd, no more tube feedings, he was taking all by bottle, and I was attempting to nurse at every feeding as well. June 5th, he was in his new bed, weaning him to self regulate his own temperature. This was the home stretch.

On the 8th I stayed the night with him in a transition room, the first time he was all mine. A nurse came and checked on him a few times in the middle of the night, but he was all mine.

June 9th, after 16 days in NICU, I got to bring my baby boy home. He was up to 6lb 14oz, and growing and doing so well. My mom had kept the kids the night before, and she dropped them off about an hour after we got home. I finally had all my family under one roof again.